It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
