he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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