i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
