You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
