hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
