i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
