i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
