I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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