I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
