words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize