Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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