so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So vagazzling was a success
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
