and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
