So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
