Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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