I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize