I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
