She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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