Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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