Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
