it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
