I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
