He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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