that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
