you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
