Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
