its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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