I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
