My balls are so social today.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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