I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
