my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I touched a dick in church today
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
