I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I got her a Nickelback box set.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
