Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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