I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I wish there were birth control emojis
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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