I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
