I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
