he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
