I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
