i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
