The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
