Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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