If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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