Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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