Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize