If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
