i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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