Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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