she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
