I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
