just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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