even my farts smell like vagina
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
