apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize