Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
