walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
