My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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