This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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