I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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